Just like with Captain America: Civil War, I had no prior knowledge of Suicide Squad’s place in the comic book world. If anything I thought it may have some loose association with Suicide Girls because Harley Quinn kinda looks like a Suicide Girl? Maybe I don’t know anything about Suicide Girls either?

Anyhoo, I didn’t have a dog in this fight. I didn’t care if the casting was good, or if the film stayed true to it’s comic book roots.  I actually loved the trailer when I first saw it, and hoped my ignorance would allow me to enjoy the film more than most people, and certainly more than DC Comic fans. Sometimes you just wanna pay $12.50 to escape your non-air-conditioned dwellings and snack on some sugary contraband after lunch on a Tuesday.

We meet our first hero, Will Smith, aka Lloyd, in a Louisiana Prison. Lloyd is staying prison tough, while Ike Barinholtz, who seems to be doing quite well as of late, is dropping off the daily loaf. Sidenote: I would MUCH RATHER eat the Suicide Squad loaf, than the Snowpiercer loaf… woof.

Next stop on Prison Ike’s rounds is Harley Quinn, played by my girl Margot Robbie. Our first glimpse of Harley is as she’s suspended in air via some prison-grade-Cirque-Du-Soleil acrobatics. While it’s nice that Margot Robbie has more to do than in The Legend of Alexander Skarsgard’s Abs, she’s constantly objectified and we’re forced to view Harley Quinn solely through the use of her body. I mean that literally, as she’s shot almost always exclusively from behind, whether it be a straight up butt shot, or through the back of her legs.

Harley licks her prison bars, and Prison Ike tells her she’s “A whole lotta pretty and a whole lotta crazy.” It’s like the film is buying you a dollar draft at a shitty college bar, while yelling”Crazy girls are the best in bed, AMIRIGHT BRO!??!” Thesehis scene is obviously gross, and we’re supposed to be afraid of Harley Quinn, but also wanna fuck her, yet I couldn’t help but think of the very real problem of prison abuse and rape. Also, she’s constantly filmed through-the-legs-up-the-butt, which ugh… I can only deal with so much blatant objectification in a 2 hour sitting.  

Our whole introduction to Harley Quinn is a real shame because Spoiler Alert: She’s the most interesting, fun, and likable character in the film.  Despite Margot Robbie’s accent, which felt inconsistent, yet heavy handed, I grew to love Harley Quinn, her snow cone hair, and her great lines. “What was that? I should kill everyone and escape? Sorry, the voices. I’m kidding, that’s not what they really said.” A bit obvious? Yes. But there’s something about Margot Robbie’s performance that helps you look past the bit, and enjoy it for what it is. “Love your perfume. Is that the scent of death?” Ha! Delightful.

Back to the reviewcap… Viola Davis is having dinner with Hopper and some other government white guys. Queen Viola Davis is playing a watered down version of Annalise Keating, her HTGAWM character, and of course it’s wonderful. The dinner serves (ha!) as exposition, plot, and a teachable moment for me! (Apparently, this film is a sequel of sorts to that Batman vs Superman thing that nobody liked!) Anyhoo, Viola and Hopper are like, “What if the next Superman is EVIL!? How will we stop him?” Why, with a rag-tag group of criminals, of course! While predictable, I enjoyed the exposition-dinner-scene. I could watch Viola Davis eat a steak all day, and as a DC Comic novis, I appreciate the opportunity to learn more about some of the characters. For instance, Floyd has a daughter and the best banking app known to man, and Harley used to be an unprofessional psychologist who fell in love with the Joker.

Let’s get the Joker shit out of the way right now. Jared Leto’s Joker is ABYSMAL! It was all style and no substance. Tattoos, gold jewelry, and lipstick do not a performance make! Every time the Joker appeared on screen I was uncomfortable, and not in a “wow! What a crazy, evil character? What’s he gonna do next!?” It was “Wow, Jared is trying so hard, yet failing even harder and I’m having a bout of Post-Traumatic-Stress-Due-To-Secondhand-Embarrassment.” Seriously, you spent all that time and energy on your method acting and that performance was the best you could come up with!?

Back to the exposition dinner and Viola’s steak… We also get some exposition of the rest of the Suicide Squad group; the alcoholic Aussie thief, El Diablo, the only guy in this movie I wanna fuck, Wayland Jones, the killer crocodile. “He looked like a monster, so they treated like a monster… so he became a monster” made my heart shatter into a million pieces.

We also meet “The Witch” aka Enchantress aka the girl from The Ring if she grew up and became a stripper. Carla Delevingne’s eyebrows and nostrils are SHOCKINGLY not very good at the acting thing, and what’s more, the character of the witch is simultaneously the most boring part of the film, yet the biggest element of the plot. The Witch inhabits Dr. Jane McBoringson, an archeologist who touches an ancient artifact WITH HER BARE HANDS (these women are SO unprofessional, except for Viola Davis, of course) and becomes possessed. Viola Davis puts Captain Rick Flag (LOLOLOL AT THE CHARACTER’S NAME!) in charge of babysitting Dr. Jane Witchwitch, and because everyone in this movie is an HR nightmare, they fall in love.

Viola and Captain American Flag visit Floyd, Harley, El Diablo and Killer Croc in jail, and we get the tiniest bit of our favorite Will Smith Charisma during a gun range scene.  Floyd, aka Deadshot, is showing Viola, Flagbag, Ike, and an assortment of other peeps, how incredible he is at his job. After the gun show, Floyd states his demands if he is to cooperate, such as custody of his daughter, and his ex-wife’s boyfriend can’t be involved his wife’s visitation rights (“Darnell can’t come”), he wants his daughter to get into an Ivy league school, even if they have to “white people that thing.” The best line in this entire scene is when Floyd says, “I’m concerned, because I don’t see anyone writing anything down.” The Darnell bit felt delightfully improvised, and it was nice to see the side of Will Smith we know and love from movies past. Yet, this is the highlight of his performance, and every other time we see him, his performance feels weighed down by the gloomy, emotionless, movie.

Flag is not on board with Viola Davis’s master plan of using these metahuman supervillains as a task force, so Viola threatens Flag with the safety of Dr. Jane Goodfornothing, because women are leverage.

We cut to The Joker, whose apartment gives a better performance than Jared does, concocting a plan to get his love Harley Quinn back. The Joker enlists Ike, and we get to die from secondhand embarrassment AGAIN as we watch Jared Leto attempt to act his way out of the grills on his teeth. The grills and the red, swollen lips look painfully upsetting and I’m sure I reapplied my chapstick every time I saw Jared’s lime green wig on screen.

Does it feel like nothing has happened and this reviewcap is already so long? That’s what watching this movie felt like. Finally, something important (?) happens, and The Enchantress steals her heart from a briefcase in Viola Davis’s hotel room (don’t ask), while Flag eats a chicken wing by the window, because he’s fucking disgusting. With her heart back, The Witch can wreak havoc on the city of Gotham, and turn her brother’s statue into a human person. RIP the guy in the men’s room who was trying to make Happy Hour plans.

The Witch and her brother destroy a metro station, and start to build some big war machine, because humans don’t worship them anymore, we only worship machines (can’t argue with that). Thus, the Suicide Squad task force is formed with a mission to save someone in downtown Gotham that’s SO VALUABLE, it’s worth risking their lives. Like Saving Private Ryan, except without any of the talent, emotion, gravitas, or sunlight, our crew set out and become a framily along the way.

Intellectually, you should be very invested in a group of humans, meta or not, that are supposed to save the world. Yet it’s impossible to give a shit about anyone in this film. The relationships the characters have between them, as well as the things we’re supposed to feel for these characters, is forced as if the filmmakers are a frustrated parent dealing with a 2 year old. Why should we care? Because they said so!

The only friendship that seemed somewhat genuine, or the least forced, was between Floyd and Harley. I think because I’ve written some real-life-friends-fan-fiction in my head about Will Smith and Margot Robbie, and because they’re the best actors out of the bunch. I love them, independently and together, and nothing you say can change my mind!

In any event, the Witch has been turning humans into some monster army. You know when you’re a kid, and you’re at the beach playing in the wet sand by the water? And you drizzle that wet sand into a castle that looks like a mound of diarrhea? That’s what the Witches army turns into, monsters covered in diarrhea sand castles.

The first fight scene between our Suicide Squad and the Diarrhea Drizzles is the most fun to watch, and most artistically interesting.  The use of slow mo was well executed, and certain shots looked as though they were mimicking pages in a comic book (but what do I know?) We see Harley Quinn duck under the swing of a sword, the drunk Aussie’s pink unicorn flies out of his coat, and the Killer Croc gives a major body slam. However, after this sequence, it’s as if everyone forgot this was a super-hero/comic book movie. It just turned into a dark walk about town with a bunch of gun fire. Kinda boring.

The Diarrhea Drizzles try to capture the Flag (ha!) but the Suicide Squad stops them. “That’s how I cut an run!” Floyd sasses at Captain Flag. See? They’re bonding! Flag’s team is pissed that Flag lied about the seriousness of the Diarrhea Drizzles, and Flag is just not having a good day.

The search for important person whatever continues, and Harley Quinn breaks a department store window to steal a purse from a mannequin. “What? We’re bad guys, it’s what we do” she tries to explain, but really, we know it’s just another excuse to film her ass.

In an abandoned office building, we get a Harley Quinn vs the Diarrhea Drizzles in an elevator, while the rest of the Suicide Squad scampers up the stairs. The music, as per usual, is very on the nose, and despite all the violence, nothing is very scary, surprising or visually interesting. Our heroes get to the room where Most Important Person Ever is staying and DUN DUN DUN, IT’S VIOLA DAVIS!?!!?!?

I guess we’re supposed to feel betrayal? Rage? Anything? Viola Davis has her Tony Soprano moment, shooting everyone that was working with her because they didn’t have the security clearance. She gets in a helicopter, but it’s shot down by the Witch because that’s still a plot that’s happening.

This movie needs one more big fight scene before it’s over so we get the climactic showdown between The Witch and the Suicide Squad. There’s some mental manipulation involved on The Witch’s part, but El Diablo is smart enough to know better. He becomes our hero, finally flexing his full fire power to push the Brother into a corner, while a previously planted bomb goes off underneath him.

Ugh, what a slog to relive the Suicide Squad experience. While it’s not as terrible as Independence Day: Regurgitate, it’s not a good movie. Certainly not worth paying theater prices for, so if you are planning on watching Suicide Squad in the near future, stream that shit and have 4 shots before pressing play.


11/03/2016 1:31pm

I just loved that movie and especially the couple of those joker and Harley Quin. But the appearance of joker is not too much in that squeal but he acted insanely best.

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I also loved the movie. Suicide squad is an ironic representation of superheroes. It depicts how the villains became heroes in that time. Harley Quinn’s acting is also good. Two thumbs up for this movie. Thanks for sharing this.

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