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I went to this movie solely for Skarsgard’s abs. I watched the trailer three times in a row for Skarsgard’s abs and was SOLD on paying $15 to watch them for two hours. I guess I was expecting him to be half naked throughout the entire film (and big props to IMDb for citing “male objectification” as one of the plot keywords) but was disappointed. Frankly, the entire film was a disappointment, but the Movies on Tap boys already knew that (I’m still waiting for my You Are An Idiot postcard…) 

The film opens with a brief history lesson about King Leopold II of Belgium and his money troubles (shoulda used YNAB!) In order to pay off the massive debt that’s been incurred from building a railroad, King Leopold decides to dig up some diamonds in the Congo. The King sends Leon Rom, who has never seen Congo, to lead the expedition. Leon’s entire search party is massacred, yet the Tribal Chief spares him, and offers to exchange the diamonds for Tarzan. 

Who is Tarzan?  He’s the son of Treehouse Master John Clayton II who, along with his wife, have passed away in the jungles of the Congo. Tarzan is adopted by a Gorilla momma, and raised in the jungle until he returns to his family home in England. Which, how convenient, right? Did you have fun surviving in the jungle? Cool, here’s the palatial family estate you get to live in now, with all your finery, and your super hot wife, Margot Robbie. 

Tarzan is invited to the Congo by King Leopold at some weird aristocrat summit, which Tarzan declines because he doesn’t want to be Tarzan anymore! George Washington Williams, played by Samuel L. Jackson, is at the summit has a sneaking suspicion the Belgian’s are enslaving the Congolese people. He confides in Tarzan, and after some convincing, the two team up and head to Africa. Tarzan unwillingly brings Jane along. 

While in the Congo, Tarzan, Jane, and George WW crash with the tribe Jane and her family used to live with. Leon somehow knows they’re there, and captures Jane and Tarzan, as well as some older boys which he plans to sell into slavery.  Thus the “action” and “adventure” commence with Jane being relegated to a hostage, so that Tarzan can save her. 

Poor Jane has nothing to do in this film but be a beautiful hostage. Margot Robbie spends the entire film looking off into the distance with her lovely face. She and her big, blue eyes are capable of so much more, as is the character of Jane. Sure, she escapes the boat for a minute, but then is captured again. Any woman badass enough to marry Tarzan, and bang his phenomenal bod on the regular, should be more than just a plot device.  

Tarzan, George WW and a few other warriors from the tribe take off on foot to rescue Jane. Maybe I was too influenced by George of the Jungle as a kid, but shouldn’t there be more vine swinging? In any event, Tarzan eventually runs into his Gorilla Brother, who is NOT HAPPY with Tarzan abandoning their family for his human family. Tarzan must fight his brother and he must do so without a shirt. 

When Alexander Skarsgard removes his shirt and exposes his man V, I audibly groaned and lifted my hands towards the movie screen. What a glorious sight to behold! I dare say it rivaled the helicopter scene in Captain America: Civil War. I just… can’t even use my words. I got what I paid for. 

While I found the action scenes few and far between, the gorilla fight scene caused me to stress eat my Starbucks sugar cookie. 

Post fight, Tarzan and George WW continue on their rescue mission. Obviously, Tarzan has maintained his bodyweight routine while back in England, and George WW can barely keep up. We are supposed to find this amusing, but we don’t. None of the attempts at humor work, here or throughout the film. Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t shine like he usually does, and Skarsgard’s Tarzan, while buff AF, is rather mopey. Yeah, his wife had been kidnapped, but Tarzan was just a jungle version of Eric Northman. 

The showdown between Tarzan and Chief Mbonga is the most emotional. Tarzan killed Mbonga’s son back in the day when Mbonga’s son and his peers were gorilla hunting. You feel for both men in this situation; Mbonga lost his son, Tarzan lost the only mother he’s ever known. Tarzan wins the fight and spares Mbonga.  

Leon has brought Jane to some seaside resort that I want to investigate via Trip Advisor. Tarzan and George WW harness the power of nature to cause a massive stampede, ruining my dreams of vacation, but finally rescuing Jane. Ugh, I bet the sex they have post-stampede is a stampede of orgasms. HA!  

George writes an open letter about the atrocities King Leopold II committed (an actual fact!) and Tarzan and Jane return to their favorite Congo tribe to live out their days, with a new baby.  

The film was great fitspo, even though I took a nap when I got home from the movies instead of working out. But mainly, I left the theater wanting more; I wanted more for Jane to do, and more of Alexander Skarsgard’s torso to look at. A lot more. 

But my main problem with the film is that it tried to make a statement about slavery but with white heroes. With everything that’s happened in the past couple years, and especially what’s transpired this summer, I couldn’t help but feel the intentions were a little tone deaf and cheap. 

Regardless of the larger implications, intentional or otherwise, this film is rather derivative, and if you really want to see Skarsgard’s body, just rewatch the trailer in the privacy of your own home. 

Rating: 2 shots. 
 


Comments

A Tarzan is a great movie, its views, story , fights are quite marvelous. I've also watched that movie in the 3d and i literately enjoyed every single scene of the movie and i hope that other viewers enjoyed that movie too.

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02/17/2017 12:37am

When I was young, my parents used to make me watch jungle book. Actually, I never really like Tarzan’s story or anything about this kind at all. Maybe I have a little appreciation over the animals. I just don’t understand how the poor boy got to live in the wild without real food or milk. It makes me feel weird about Tarzan that I actually hate him. So every time my parents make me watch this show I got irritated. I ended up trying to doze off to sleep.

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02/18/2017 1:10am

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03/06/2017 1:57am

Another one movie about jungles and poor Tarzan. How many more we should see?

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03/31/2017 5:48am

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09/22/2017 12:37am

Have you solved your problems with the film? Is it successful now?

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10/10/2017 11:43pm

I wish that movie would be the part two of jungle book.

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10/11/2017 12:38am

The best scene comes at interval.

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11/12/2017 2:37am

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