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Full Disclosure: I fucking love Independence Day. Everyone and everything about the 1996 classic works so well together, and is so well loved. We’ve all been re-watching, reliving, and reciting our favorite parts of Independence Day for past 20 years, so there was no way the sequel could have lived up to the original. That being said (drink!) I tried to enjoy Independence Day: Resurgence as a film independent (ha!) of the original. Sadly, it’s impossible to do. 

Instantly, we are exposed to audio snippits of President Whitmore’s famous speech as we swirl through space. This intergalactic trip is actually a fever dream of our favorite retired President, who has gone a bit cuckoo the past few years. In this “present day”, the world has united into some global utopia, where we’ve utilized the aliens technology to further our own development, and establish a global defense system with stations on various moons and planets. We have a female president and Will Smith is dead. Yup, they killed off Captain Steve Hiller so we know not to expect a cameo later. Don’t worry though, everyone else gets a cameo! 

We do get to see a portrait of our dearly departed Captain Steve Hiller in the White House before his son (I forget the character’s name but don’t worry, it’s irrelevant) meets the President. We also meet Daughter Whitmore (again, IRRELEVANT! Especially since she’s not played by Mae Whitman). Son and Daughter are old friends from their fighter pilot days, and the Daughter’s Fiancee and Son don’t get along. 

The Fiancee is played by the Littlest Hemsworth and if nothing else, that kid is a looker. I was not mad about his face AT ALL. That being said (drink!) he’s literally nothing but blue eyes and bone structure. While I’m sure he’s a very nice boy, he doesn’t have the charisma or character development to make me care about him, his fate, or really anything else. None of the characters do! And it’s one of the fatal flaws of this film; we are expected to care about the children of characters we cared about back in 1996. It’s lazy and it doesn’t work. 

The rest of the cameos or character throwbacks are depressing, once the initial flush of recognition passes. The happily ever after is never as interesting as we want it to be, and to resurrect these old friends and see how decrepit their minds and bodies have become is just sad.

David (Jeff Goldblum) is still a secret, bespectacled hottie with a high powered job in alien technology something? It’s not clear what he does, and we don’t care. Dr. Hippie (apparently known as Dr. Brakish Okun) has been in a coma since his strangulation back in ‘96. He and his hairdo are unchanged.  He’s got a friend bringing him orchids that we’re supposed to care about, but we don’t. Their interactions are supposed comedic, but they’re not. I’d say this movie is painfully unfunny, but that would imply I felt something whenever a joke didn’t land. 

We see our favorite military man, General Grey at the World Independence Day celebration with his wife, who is my Woman Of A Certain Age Hair Style Icon. We also see that Jasmine has become a high powered nurse, the Akalitus of DC. I LOVED that Jasmine became a nurse, and was LIVID when she died. HOW CRUEL! Damn that new mother and her inability to get on the rescue chopper in a timely manner. Ugh, women. Fucking typical, amiright? 

Jasmine’s unfortunate death, and the general destruction reminded me of San Andreas; everything happened rather quickly. There’s also a tsunami moment where we fear for Julius, but thankfully, our favorite scrappy grandpa survives. 

This film has too much plot yet I couldn’t tell you a single interesting or important thing that happens. Basically a big golf ball arrives on the Moon during our Global Independance Day party. Because we’re still America, the President orders our space station on the moon to shoot it away. David and a few other members of the Global Google Hangout didn’t think shooting the golf ball was a good idea. He’s currently in Africa with an insurance agent a la Jurassic Park, visiting a War Lord’s compassionate son. There’s a big alien drill left over from the first attack 20 years ago, and the lights are on because the aliens are coming! 

There’s also some boring, useless, Female psychiatrist involved because we need a few more characters to not care about. You can’t just throw a woman on screen and be like, success! Fixed that whole women in film drama you broads were yammering about! Her character is useless to the plot, since anyone with half an eyeball could see a connection between people who have been mind fucked by the aliens and their Pac-Man drawings. 

Yes, everyone who has experienced alien telekinesis (Old Man Whitmore, Dr. Hippie, and our new friend the War Lord’s Son) have been drawing archaic Pac-Men like they’re Russell Crowe in a Brilliant Mind. Nothing brilliant about making these connections, folks! 

The Littlest Hemsworth steals a ship from the moon, cuz he’s a bad boy!, and picks up David and Co to go find the big golf ball. They find it just as the big alien mother ship heads for Earth. Destruction ensues, mostly in Asia, so that the film can do well overseas.  Other landmarks are destroyed, like the London Bridge, and it felt very similar to San Andreas. Everything happens so fast, you don’t have time to process or care about it. Plus, there’s a tsunami that almost kills our favorite dad, Julius. 

Some children have been orphaned by the destruction and are driving to safety. Somewhat similar to Miguel and his siblings driving to safety in the first film? They save Julius and begin their road trip, and Julius knows the best place to be is with David, so they head out to Area 51.  

Even though we’ve spent the past 20 years preparing for another alien attack, and advancing our technology with alien leftovers, everyone still forgets that the aliens have that awesome protective shield. Everyone is constantly reminding us of what they know from the first attack, yet everyone forgets that the aliens have that protective shield we’re powerless against? Ugh! 

The Children get inside the big alien ship and we don’t care. We get a great boring look at the ecosystem the aliens have created for themselves within the ship, but not really because it was very dark in there. I felt like my grandparents trying to read a menu at a dimly lit restaurant. 

The Children escape, we learn the Big Golf Ball From Space is some other sort of alien that wants to help us fight the mean aliens, and there’s a watered down Area 51 battle rallying cry. I was nervous they’d try to write another iconic speech, but thankfully, like everything else with this film, laziness won out and there were just a few motivational mouth farts peppered about. 

The only enjoyable moments for me were when the big alien queen busts out of her fallen ship and starts running away on all her tentacles. It was so unintentionally funny, and also, well lit because daylight. Julius and his bus full of orphans comes speeding in, and I started to feel joy again! Someone please make a Magic School Bus reboot with Julius as Ms. Frizzel! 

Just like in the original, we need a rogue warrior to suicide dive into our foe, so President Whitmore gets in a fighter jet, which, sidenote… 

As previously mentioned, President Whitmore has lost his marbles and somehow keeps escaping his caregivers? Literally, every scene he’s in, people are like “Sir, how did you get here? Who is watching you?” This man is a former President, and also physically and mentally unwell, so how in the fuck does he keep scampering off? Is this all an expensive and convoluted indictment of our country’s system of elder care? Doesn’t matter, NOTHING DOES! Our former President is read to die for his country. His daughter, WHO IS NOT EGG (who?), tries her best to make us care with her LC tears, but alas. Even though we love President Whitmore, he’s not our favorite alcoholic father Russell, and the sacrifice felt like an empty gesture. 

President Whitmore saves the day, and all is right with the world until we realize that the Space Golf Ball is actually just a stupid device to set up a threequel. We’re taking our war with the aliens INTERGALACTIC, they say? NO. WE. ARE. NOT! How DARE you!? An elaborate con. A shameless money grab. I should have seen it coming. 

Independence Day: Resurgence is like fucking an ex-lover from 20 years ago. Many of the things you loved about that person are still there, but despite pulling out the old tricks, they’re now hollow, empty gestures. It’s depressing rather than exciting, and you can’t help but to compare your dalliance to the past. The present will never live up to the magic you shared back in ‘96.  It’s like apples and oranges, except Resurgence is an orange that’s been covered in dog shit for 20 years. 

I WISH I’d had 5 shots before seeing this film, so I could have passed out and had a nice nap. Instead, I was just bummed out, sober, and sleepy, wishing I’d just stayed home to watch Independence Day once again.
 


Comments

May God save all of us from terrorism and show them right path of those person who spread the terrorism then we can celebrate the real freedom without any scary condition.

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03/06/2017 1:58am

I mean not bad at all. I don't expect much but it's pretty good.

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05/13/2017 8:54am

I still not watched this film. Can't find enough time on it!

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