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San Andreas has all the components of an enjoyable action film - dynamic leading man, multiple natural disasters, plenty of destruction - yet it’s not a good movie. It’s rarely engaging, and the first time I watched it, I was so distracted by Alex Daddario’s boobs that I spent more time googling her “breakout” scene in True Detective than I did caring about the film. Upon a second viewing, I found the film more tolerable thanks to the company of my roommate and a box of red wine, but we’ll save the shot rating for the end of the reviewcap™.

Movie opens with a “dumb blonde” listening to T. Swift and driving along a rocky, cliffside road. The movie kind of fakes you out in terms of what her demise will be, like retrieving her water bottle, which for some reason is perilously out of reach. Why isn’t it more easily accessible? You have cup holders. Or checking her phone (IT CAN WAIT!) Nope, she’s fine. Until a rock comes crumbling down off the cliff and she and her Subaru tumble down the cliffside. If you’re going to plummet to your death, a Subaru is the safest car for such an occasion. 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the most suspenseful part of the movie. Each subsequent action scene embraces the destruction so quickly that you don’t have time to care about anyone or anything involved. It’s as if the writers were going through the motions, or checking off boxes to complete the script. Earthquake? Check. Tsunami? Check. Not giving a shit? Check. It felt like as if they were worried about losing young people’s attention if the destruction didn’t take place within the course of a Vine video. Thanks a lot, Milennials. 

We’re introduced to our hero, The Rock, as he and his team are being interviewed for something? We also get our first dose of humor with this exchange: 

White guy: We didn’t want to break p the family. 
Black guy: Do we look like like family.

LON (laugh out never) This “comedic” exchange sets the stage for the rest of the film, in which almost every attempt at humor or lightheartedness fall as flat as the buildings in DTLA. Only notable moment in this scene is The Rock ripping the Subaru door off it’s hinges because LOOK AT THIS BODY! Everyone goes home happy and alive. 

Over at CalTech, Paul Giamatti is giving a lecture on the San Andreas fault and foreshadowing. “It’s not a matter of if… it’s a matter of when.” Thanks for the heads up!

Back in LA, we meet The Rock’s daughter Blake, played by Alex Daddario and her massive boobs. The two (characters, not boobs) will be taking a road trip/camping excursion as Blake returns to San Fransisco for school (apparently CalTech abides by a different academic calendar).  Can you imagine camping with The Rock? He is so charismatic that he could smile and wink at a bundle of sticks and they’d combust into flames. 

At the Hoover Dam, Dr. Paul Giamatti and his colleague, Dr. Park test their predictive model and good news; it works! Bad news, a massive quake is about to hit and destroy the Hoover Dam. Dr. Park see’s a young girl cowering in fear because women always have to be saved and no one’s heard of my buddy Darwin. He tosses her safely into Paul Giamatti’s arms while his foot gets impaled on a steel wire. As he’s about to be swept away into the destroyed dam, he tells the little girl “close your eyes” before he’s washed away to his death in a Mad Max style guitar riff. Me, I would have reacted like, “LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND WATCH ME DIE, YOU IDIOT!” but I am not a good person like Dr. Park. 

Due to the disaster, The Rock is called away from his family obligations and refreshingly, his family understands that it’s all part of his job. We learn that The Rock and his beautiful, age appropriate, ex-wife Emma (played by Carla Gugino) have a phenomenal relationship. You can tell there’s a real friendship between the two characters and that they still care deeply about each other. Why would these marvelous people get divorce? Because their other daughter died, and not even The Rock and Emma can survive that. 

Emma has a rich boyfriend, Riddick (no, not that one) who she is planning on cohabitating with. The Rock is hurt, but plays it off, by letting Emma know “I’ll get those [divorce] papers signed” breaking all the hearts, including mine. Riddick brings Blake on his private jet up to San Francisco, and en route says all the right things. He’s not going to replace The Rock (no shit, bro!) and says the reason he didn’t have any kids was because he was “raising” skyscrapers. (Insert “razing” joke here). 

Emma meets Sister Riddick (aka Kylie Minogue) who plays an excellent bitch. Their interactions with their server further highlight the differences between them, and I was just delighted by how Emma all about hearing the daily specials. You know she tips AT LEAST 20% every time she dines out, and all you uncouth turds should take note! 

A quick check in with Paul Giamatti confirms that the San Andreas fault is about to go off and we don’t care. 

We also don’t care about Ben, the love interest, and his brother, Ollie, who has been waitlisted at Hogwarts. Blake is subjected to the ugliest meet-cute in cinema history, and Ben can’t stop spilling coffee on himself before his big job interview. Way to remain calm under pressure, bro, you’ll totes get the job! 

Back at lunch, Kylie Minogue is a total cunt to Emma, as she brings up Emma and The Rock’s dead daughter in the most disinterested yet cruel way. Emma remains a CLASS ACT, and takes a quick call from The Rock, who is apologizing for his earlier behavior even though he did nothing wrong. The world literally can not handle the maturity and love of these two adults, so it does a death dropand the San Andreas fault slips.

Now the destruction begins and people die and nobody cares. The Rock rescues Emma because women always have to be saved, but I will say, Emma proves to be quite a tough broad throughout the course of the film. All of the crumbling iconic buildings and landmarks made me want to rewatch Los Angeles Plays Itself rather than care about anyone’s fate. 

Up in San Fran, Riddick abandons Blake in a parking garage so she can be save by Ben. While I’m sure we’re supposed to feel like Ben and Ollie are good people for saving Blake, it actually feels like Ben will do anything to get his dick wet. He’s so desperate and clingy, yet like all the action sequences in this movie, it’s done in a half assed way. 

Even though women must always be saved, Blake does possess survival skills which she uses to call her father in his helicopter. The Rock and Blake plan a meeting spot, and Emma leaves Riddick the best voice message of all time. “You left my daughter? If you’re not already dead, I’m gonna fucking kill you.” YAS KWEEN! The Rock is SO PROUD of her, he even says, “atta girl” which melted my heart. 

The helicopter goes into gear box failure and The Rock crashes it into what I can only assume is the Burlington Coat Factory. They steal some clothes, hotwire a car, and embark onto what is the REAL plot of this movie: an estranged couple reuniting in LOVE! 

While most action epics have a romance of relationship shoehorned in, San Andreas is actually a love story with some action scenes jammin’ around. The relationship between The Rock and Emma is the most fun and compelling part of this movie. They’re also excellent role models and a great team. 

Speaking of dates, Blake steals supplies from a fire truck while Ben attempts to make small talk. I can’t think of a worse first date! He’s a less charming Stick Stickly and I don’t buy for a second that Blake and her massive boobs would be into him. If anything, Blake and Ollie have better chemistry, so they should just wait a few years before making out.  The proposed meeting spot is engulfed in flames, so Blake comes up with a Plan B while Ben whines about following the other herd of survivors like the sheep he is. 

If I was Blake, I would have been all K BYE! Thanks for rescuing me from the parking garage, but I don’t owe you shit, especially my pussy. You go ahead and follow those other nincompoops, and I’ll go meet my dad, aka DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON, over here. 

ANYWAY, this film drags on with some trains, planes and automobiles shit from Mr. and Mrs. The Rock. They parachute into AT&T stadium the Rock says, “It’s been a while since I got you to second base,” which is the only joke that lands in this entire film. This movie is really just a divorced couple going on some adventurous dates, a la The Bachelor. Eventually they get a boat and fight a tsunami, which is mildly stressful if you have a fear of tsunamis like I do. 

Back on land, everyone runs to safety but YOU CAN’T OUTRUN A TSUNAMI, THAT’S WHY THEY’RE SO TERRIFYING! An old couple embraces a la Titanic and accept their fate, but my roommate did not. She yelled “No, fuck you!” at the TV while anLC tear fell into her goblet of wine. 

Blake and her dingleberries are trapped in one of Riddick’s buildings full of tsunami water, and after reaching safety on a higher floor, Blake and Ben kiss. Quoth my roommate, “I would have thrown up on his leg.”

Blake sees her parents puttering around on a powerboat, and uses some green laser things to signal her rescuers. Emma is SO RELIEVED and I love her, but the film can’t end yet! The building begins to sink, and Blake gets trapped in a space that’s quickly filling with water. The Rock dives in to save her, but is too late. 

I have to say, Alex Daddario does a commendable job in her drowning scene, and I was most affected by her last word(s); “Daddy!”UGH! But The Rock is not gonna let another one of his children die! He uses his literally unbelievable strength to rip through the materials creating the trap, and brings Blake’s body up to the boat. As Emma powerboats everyone away from the crumbling city, and The Rock tries to resuscitate Blake. 

Ben just HAS to make his concern for Blake known and it’s like, BUDDY, NOT NOW! Stop thinking about your dick for a minute and let this family GRIEVE! Emma. is. DEVASTATED, and Carla Gugino gives a phenomenal performance as a grieving mother. Between her tears, and The Rock’s tears as he gave Blake CPR, I was just a mess. Through the power of love, Blake coughs up some water, and Ben gets a boner. 

They all make it to a relief camp, where Ben intrudes on family time AGAIN, to return Blake’s necklace. “I found this on the boat” he says which is BULLSHIT! We all know he stole it and jerked off on it because he’s a walking erection with veneers. “What now?” Emma asks, looking over the abyss of destruction. “We rebuild” the Rock replies, and the last shot of the movie is of an unfurled American Flag because it’s exactly the pandering bullshit we deserve. 

As I previously mentioned, this film is much more enjoyable when you have copious amounts of alcohol and a friend to heckle/cry with. Hence this love story with a disaster flick mushed in gets a 3 shot rating from this old booze bag!
 


Comments

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San Andreas has been very famous for an enjoyable action movie that people loved to watch. This movie is full of thrillers and actions that attract the new generation towards it especially boys.

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03/06/2017 1:59am

Graphic design and special effects are really good. But Rock is still a rock no matter what movie he play.

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05/14/2017 1:08am

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06/09/2017 2:06am

Can I watch that film without alcohol? I'm not drinking at all.

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