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I must start this reviewcap (trademark pending!) with a startling confession: this was the first Marvel movie I’d ever seen. 

I KNOW! I went almost a decade without seeing a single Iron Man, Avengers, Captain America, Thor or any of the other films or tv shows involved with this franchise. But let’s not dwell on that! Instead, let us celebrate that despite having barely any knowledge of this world, spoiler alert, I fucking loved Captain America: Civil War. 

As I expected, I initially felt a bit out of the loop when the movie began and knew there was some backstory I was missing. Like when we first meet Bucky in 2015 Boston (jk, it was 1991 Siberia). I had no idea why those Russians were so mean, or why they were brainwashing Bucky, or why he had an iron arm, or why they sent him to kill someone with a trunk full of Glacier Ice Gatorade. But! I persevered, picked up on context clues, and eventually became fully immersed in the film, it’s characters, and Chris Evan’s upper body strength (which we will get to later). 

In modern day Lagos, Baby Olsen, ScarJo, Chris Evans and Falcon (yes, I had to google that) are trying to stop some stormtrooper ninja hybrid known as Crossbones (just assume I googled a lot of names) from stealing a biological weapon. Thus our first big action scene commences with lots of personal and public property destroyed. I quickly identified ScarJo as my Feminist Action Hero and loved that she kicked so much ass. 

Eventually, Baby Olsen is able to capture the energy of the bomb in her super hero hands, and while trying to save the square (which, too late) accidentally releases the bomb into a building. People are not. happy. And also dead. Turns out, Baby Olsen inadvertently killed an office of humanitarian workers. Refreshingly, there are consequences to the superheroes actions, and the Secretary of State gets involved with a very depressing slideshow about all the accidental death and destruction the Avengers have caused over the years.

As someone who has been LITERALLY BROUGHT TO TEARS over a frustrating and hellish commute (thanks a lot Red Sox andBlack Mass), I could totally relate to the poor victims standing by and having their commute, day, and world rocked by these Avengers. Tony Stark agrees with me because he’s an adult, yet Captain America and his glorious body do not. Thus, a divide begins. 

ScarJo heads to Vienna to represent the Avengers as they sign the Sokovia Accords, which will allow the UN to boss the Avengers around, when a bomb goes off. Among the casualties, is King King T’Chaka of Wakanda, and his son, Prince T’Challa swears vengeance against his father’s killer. 

Not enough people have died, so Captain America’s old friend Peggy passes away, and at her funeral, A Poor Man’s Jennifer Lawrence informs him that via crappy security footage, they know who the bomber is. Peekaboo! It’s Bucky. 

Captain America wants to get to Bucky first because of what I can only assume is Captain America: Winter Soldier. My takeaway from this fight scene is that both men are perfectly capable of hoisting me up in the air and fucking me against a wall. My love for Bucky blossomed as well as he punched through the floor to retrieve his bug out bag. I love a man that’s prepared. 

Bucky is taken to Dr. John Watson’s laboratory, where he is held in a modern day Bubble Boy high chair thing. Tony Stark and the Captain of America have a lousy chat that only serves to further set up the divide between the two. Some surly German therapist is brought in to evaluate Bucky but turns out, he’s our villain Zemo, who likes to torture hoarders and order room service. 

Bucky punches his way out of his holding bubble, the way I want his nether region to punch into mine, and honestly, the rest of this fight scene is unmemorable because it’s overshadowed by the greatest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Captain America PULLS A FLYING HELICOPTER BACK ONTO A HELIPAD WITH HIS BULGING BICEPS AND PERFECT PECS! I have never been so stimulated IN MY LIFE. My entire body melted into my ovaries and exploded into the Hokusai Great Wave of sploosh, which must have been awkward for the person sitting next to me but whatever, I’d blacked out from overstimulation at that point. 

Bucky tells Captain America that Zemo is going back to Siberia because there are a bunch of frozen Gatorade Assassins. The two men I will have my first threesome with set off with Falcon, Jeremy Renner, Baby Olsen, and Paul Rudd. Not to be outdone, Tony Stark has an overly long scene with Spider Boy so they can form their own team with Don Cheadle, ScarJo, Sunburnt Steve Merchant and the Black Panther. 

Now we have the big Avenger vs Avenger airport fight and while it was entertaining, I did wonder if I’d enjoy this scene more if I’d seen the previous movies and knew more about everyone’s fighting capabilities. Regardless, I always enjoy a good friend-turned-foe fight because it levels the playing field a little it. Each bro knows the other bros strengths, weaknesses and signature moves, which I find more emotionally compelling. The characters aren’t fighting with blind hatred (which we’ll get to later). They still care about each other, and there’s a safety involved because no one wants anyone to die. They just wanna give each other a couple of bruises, but unfortunately, Don Cheadle suffers a horrible fall.  

Even though his friend is barely alive, Tony Stark tries to get Captain and Co out of trouble because Tony Stark is the only adult in this movie. While everyone else is detained on a prison raft, Captain America and Bucky track Zemo back to Boston - sorry - Siberia, where all the Frozen Gatorades Assassans have been killed. Stark shows up just in time for the Zemo to reveal that Bucky killed Ma and Pa Stark, and what’s worse, Captain America KNEW THE WHOLE TIME! 

CAPTAIN AMERICA IS A BAD FRIEND AND I DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM ANYMORE!! 

I audibly whispered “betrayal” as the final friend-turned-foe fight scene took place. Understandably, Stark is ready to murder the shit out of both Bucky and Captain America and for me, this was the best fight scene because of the stakes involved. Of course, the choreography was great, but I actually found myself getting emotional as feelings of love, loss and betrayal fueled each character throughout the fight. 

Zemo prepares to commit suicide by listening and then deleting the last voicemail of his wife. His family was one of many killed as collateral damage in one of the Avenger’s previous fights. The Black Panther shows up, and Zemo confesses his evil plan to destroy the Avengers from the inside out hence the Bucky Revelation. The Black Panther stops Zemo from committing suicide and returns Zemo to Dr. Watson for justice because the Black Panther is a CLASS. ACT. The fight between Stark, Captain America and Bucky comes to an end with Bucky deciding to freeze himself until it’s possible to undo his brainwashing, and Captain America sneaks onto the prison raft to free his friends. 

That last image of Captain America emerging out of the shadows is the last thing I want to see before Chris Evan’s goes down on me. It could happen, ya know. He likes brunettes from Boston

Sexual feels aside, I am glad this was my first Marvel Universe movie experience. After the credits rolled, I was so excited to go back and watch the Marvel movies that I rented Captain America: The First Avenger on Amazon. Don’t judge me. 

If you couldn’t already tell, I give this movie a Zero shot rating!
 


Comments

11/04/2016 11:13am

You should really see other Marvel movies if this is the first one you've ever seen. Thor: The Dark World, Deadpool and Guardians of the Galaxy are some of my favorite Marvel movies. Anyway, Captain America: Civil War is really a fantastic movie from beginning to end. It doesn't fail to give a mix of action, humor and even drama. I think this is the best superhero movie of the year so far.

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09/16/2017 3:26am

I miss this movie. HAs it been 1 year since it's showing date? Time flies so fast. I cannot believe that it has already been a year. I hope they make a part 2 sequel of this Civil Wars. I find the movie substantial and full of actions. Contrary to others opinion, I find the movie amazing. I will give it a 9/10 rating if you will ask me. I am glad that you always put movie reviews in this website. That is just cool. I cannot wait to see more of it!

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It was a waste of time. Sorry captain but NO.

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10/10/2017 11:38pm

Good one.

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10/10/2017 11:40pm

One of the best movie from Marvel.

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10/11/2017 12:51am

The last fight between them was amazing.

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